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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

Subject:Erased...
Time:10:28 pm.
Well, just to let you all know, i'm deleting this journal. i don't want to deal w/ people finding it anymore or me keeping things to myself because i don't want certain people to know certain things. the whole point of this journal is to speak freely and get some shit off my chest. so, yeah. love you all. bye
-Jessica
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Erase....
Time:8:57 pm.
Mood: blank.
So, um, does anyone wanna tell me how you delete a livejournal? oh, by the way... GOT THE NEW A.P.C. c.d.! it rocks! i absolutely love song #9 it's sooooo great!
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:No Nudity Allowed
Time:12:17 am.
Mood: depressed.
Well, today after school i hung out w/ fernando and christy and out of nowhere Fernando was like "can i take nude pictures of you two together?" it took a little convincing to get christy to do it, considering she's ashamed of the human body period. but of course i was all for it, i love naturality. so anyways, me and christy only got half nude and let fernando take pictures of us (1. he thinks the woman body is absolutely beautiful. 2. he needed ideas/examples for his next art project. 3. he thought the concept of two females together would be really beautiful.) but, of course, the people at wal-mart wouldn't develop all the pictures. i knew they wouldn't. 1. i don't think they can develop any nudity anyways. 2. we're minors, so that might be considered child porn. or something. but the pictures that were developed came out ok. fernando tried getting the three they wouldn't develop developed somewhere else. i hope he succeeded. so, yeah, that was my day. bye everyone
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, September 15th, 2003

Subject:Another Broken Heart Leaving
Time:3:05 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
After i broke freaking hector's heart, he moved away. not because i broke his heart, i'm just saying he left after i broke his heart. well, he said that was one of the main reasons why he wanted to leave, but, yeah. and now, oscar. oscar's going to texas. hopefully not forever. he's visiting family over there for 2 or 3 months. but if he likes it enough over there he's staying. he says he'll come back for me, as long as he knows i'm waiting here for him. but i fear that during that time he'll meet someone else, or he just will forget me. i mean, that's kind of a long time away from someone. his love can't be as strong by then. not after what i did to him. he'll really think about it while he's there. about how i hurt him. and his family and friends will tell him that i'm not worth it. and he'll start believing it. and then he'll have forgotten me. and it'll be good for him. he's been needing to get out of here, at least take a break from here. but i've been holding back here. driving him crazy. maybe it's good i broke up w/ him. it pushed him to go. he wouldn't leave if i hadn't done that. part of me wants him to come back to me, i love him. but the other part just wants him to stay there. i think he'd really be happier there. so now what do i do? do i drag him back here to someone who might possibly love him for a while and might possibly break his heart again? or do i give him another life, a better life, one that's sure. i'm not a sure thing. but texas is. ::sigh:: it just isn't getting any easier
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Dreaming of Dreaming
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: calm.
Do you think that if we die in our sleep we can stay in that dream forever? I mean, i know when we die our bodies die, which means our brains die, so how could we dream? but i really do believe that if we die in our sleep we can just stay constant forever. that our spirits will create another world or realm of some sort if we really want it to. and we could just live in that dream for all eternity. isn't that such a beautiful concept? i'll keep believing that if i die when i sleep i'll stay in that dream. it's my whole mind over matter thing.
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

Time:6:13 pm.
just to let you all know i deleted the entry about what happened w/ oscar that night. he felt uncomfortable having that posted here for all the world to see, especially because some people he knows have livejournals or checks mine. so, yeah.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Question
Time:5:12 pm.
Mood: confused.
Are we allowed to be simple? that's the one question burning most in my mind. i hate tradition. i believe in following your heart. and it makes me wonder, would i just be wasting my life if i spent it on such traditional activities. for example, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, going to school and doing your homework, going to work, watching t.v. or listening to music w/ a few buddies, getting married w/ your high school sweet-heart, having kids. just that simple, played out kind of life. i'm afraid of falling into boredom. do you think everybody actually wants that kind of life or it's just what they turn to because it's all they know? everyone's been raised to believe that that kind of life if your main goal in living. i'm just afraid of that. i always have to create drama because of that fear. i'm happy, or was happy, with my boyfriend, but i got scared of that kind of lifestyle that i was heading for. i don't want to be simple. i'm afraid it'll be a waste. i know one day that having a simple kind of life probably will be a goal for me. maybe. but i'm only 15. i think that maybe i need drama right now. but at the same time i just want to be able to accept happiness. so are these feelings genuine or is it just a defense mechinism? i hope i learn soon.
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Subject:So Strange
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: blank.
Oscar says i'm the strangest person he's ever met. I feel special.
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Time:10:57 am.
"These cuts are for you jess. ::click. dial tone::"
-Oscar
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Subject:Song of the Day
Time:8:27 am.
*well, i'm really pissed that no one guessed my last song of the day, so i'm not telling you what it is. i'll give you another chance. please go guess it! anyways, here's the new song of the day:

lovers and legions i've seen your whore try not to reason
forsaken i'm poor fire nerves and dissension flying at a
glare a ginger reaction whisper care a hairpin decision falls
against the brain to formulate the anguish and alleviate the
pain the silence is warning soul search nothing can't regain
reach for air scenes of a cheap thrill summon an old ghost
the foremost and sterile suffering one lost to face the
potential for fantasy and flair forever and forgiving summon
me and dare they keep on the mainstream forging their demise
while playing with the hopeless not facing their own lies the
symptoms of recourse i've seen nothing overspill far too
frail.

*i really wanna see if anyone gets this. i doubt it.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, September 12th, 2003

Subject:Broke Another Heart
Time:8:40 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
well, i did it. i broke up with oscar. i didn't want to tell anyone yesterday because i didn't think i'd have the strength to do it. but i did. i think christy's love gave me the strength. yep, i know, everything was great with us but i've discovered something. i'm still in love with christy. i thought maybe i just had a crush on her or made myself believe i was in love with her about 3 or 4 months ago. because she was always there for me. i thought i was just addicted to the comfort. but whenever i'm around her i can feel it. and i thought i loved oscar more, or that i would have to, you know, because he was my boyfriend, and i was confused, but i was just planning on staying w/ oscar and avoiding christy. then maybe she and my love for her would go away. but it didn't work. and the other night when christy, fernando, sarah, and oscar got all drunk at my house and spent the night, i realized i wanted to be w/ christy. it was the first time i had been in the same room w/ christy and oscar at the same time for a long period of time. and all night i felt the urge to go to christy's arms. that's when i realized that i think, not completely sure, that i love christy more. well, i just broke up w/ oscar tonight to be w/ christy and it was the hardest decision i've ever made. it's so hard. i love both of them so much. but i think i made the right choise. yeah, i did. but i still love oscar to death. if i would've met him before christy it would be the other way around. but i fell in love w/ christy first. so that's that. i'm still really confused and extremely sad. the last thing i'd ever want to do is break poor oscar's heart. he's already been through this dumb shit before. he really doesn't need it anymore. but i'm such a stupid bitch that i did it anyways. but i love christy soooo much. we're happy together. i think it'll all be alright. yeah, it will. he'll get over it. he's really strong. i hope. i am the first person he's ever fallen in love w/. i hope everything turns out well. good night.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, September 11th, 2003

Subject:HECTOR!
Time:11:58 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
YAY! i have about 5 different numbers for hector but none of them ever worked. i found one that does! i was forgetting to press 1 before his area code, i guess, and i tried it tonight and it worked! i'm soooo happy that i got to talk to him. he talked for a little over an hour before his phone started dieing, but, yeah. i'm so glad i got to hear his voice again! i'm hoping to visit him in a couple of weeks. that'd be the best! because i just absolutely miss him right now. he's doing good. better then he was here. i'm glad. yeah, sorry, just had to say how happy i was that i got a hold of him. oh, and everybody, please wish me luck for tomorrow.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Perfect Little World Torn Apart
Time:8:24 pm.
Mood: Terrified.
i cannot really talk about the situation right now, but lets just say my little perfect world i was in with oscar is about to collapse. all will come crashing down, and i don't know if i'll come out alive. i hope i do though because the reward will definitely be worth-while.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Make Me Beautiful
Time:8:03 pm.
Mood: scared.
Fear is what drives us all
But I wish to be driven by beauty
This decision is the simplest yet most complex
It's a matter between heart and mind

Which road shall I travel?
I fear it will be the wrong path
Because my fear drives me
Not my heart

I long to be beautiful like you
You claim I am
But you are sadly mistaken
If I was this would already be done with
And I would have already been with you

I know where both trails lead
One to perfect love and bliss
The other to tragic despair and regret
And I chose the rigid heart-shattering path

All this pain to us because of my fear
Please just take me away
Take me away from this place with you
Forever our hearts content

Love must succeed
If not there will never be any hope
I wish for nothing more than to spread your wings
Set you sailing on the rain scented breeze

Make me brave like you
Break me away from this confussion
Make me beautiful
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 9th, 2003

Subject:Balanced
Time:6:39 pm.
Mood: content.
I can't believe this. how is it possible that i missed him? Hector went to Six flags w/ his sister (tanya), tanya's best friend (cynthia), cynthia's sister (christy), and christy's best friend (tyler). i thought i couldn't go because tyler was going. but apparently, there were 4 extra tickets! but i don't think tanya knew that. but when hector's mom told me that today i started crying so hard. i couldn't stop. and so i just listened to radiohead's True Love Waits and walked to adrienne's, to wait for my mom to pick me up. i wanted to be off alone somewhere but there's no where to go out here. and i have to see oscar tonight but i feel like just staying home alone. but i alreaady ditched him for fernando yesterday. so i had to ditch christy today for oscar. but i'll see her tomorrow, because, i love my christy! oscar sucks. i called him yesterday to let him know i wasn't coming over and he was all like, "oh, well that's ok. i'm just about to tweek it anyways." how shitty is that?! oh well. it's his last time, he says. he just wanted to do it one last time to be really creative and make some bitchin ass songs, or some shit like that. now i know how he felt when i did it. yep, i'm gonna stay away from that shit from now on. well, there is some good news. all my friends, fernando, christy, tyler, yeah, them, they're quitting tweek! well, i know christy and fernando is, so i'm figuring tyler will as well. isn't that fucking awesome!? i'm so happy. and school's great. well, it's ok. as good as school can get. well, so there are good points and bad points in my life. that's nice. it's balanced for once. neutral. pretty sweet right now.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Song Of The Day
Time:5:37 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
*this is definitely the song of the day. i couldn't stop listening to it. it reminds me of someone. hope someone gets it. it's pretty easy.

I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
To wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave, don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love wins
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave, don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kiss and smile

Just lonely, lonely...
Just lonely, lonely...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 7th, 2003

Subject:I'm Never Having Kids
Time:5:49 am.
Mood:shitty.
i screwed up again. this time i hurt my mom. i went out to our spot in the desert w/ oscar and he stayed there way too late and i walked him home and i got home and about 5 minutes later my mom walks in the house. i thought she was sleeping but apparently she was out in the desert looking for me. i don't know, i thought she'd figure that i'd get home late. i always do. but i definitely didn't expect her to do that. she was so pissed and sad. she said "where the hell were you? it's 5:00 am. i went looking in the desert for you but couldn't find you and was afraid you'd make the mistake of walking oscar home." and i told her that i did walk him home and she said "no, never again. i don't want you walking home alone at this time. you know, i wish you did still lived w/ your dad. then at least i would know where you are for 3 days out of the week." she started crying and went to bed. wow... i feel really shitty right now. i'm so fucked up. my poor mom. i never realized how much shit i put her through. i'm never having kids.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Subject:Song Of The Day
Time:12:42 pm.
*i wonder if anyone knows this one

We are so much alike
You and I
Feline grace and style
And eyes

I can take care of myself
You see
But thank you
Content if you just let me be

Mysterious creature
I see it in your eyes
Human you seem to me
You always seem to know

I'll let you know
When I need you
When i want you

I'll let you know
When i need you
When i want you
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Some Things Are Better Left Un-Said
Time:12:01 pm.
Mood:dissapointed in myself.
well, i got myself into trouble again. i'm so dumb. mandy, if you read this, i'm really sorry, and please don't hate me. i just can't help it. ok, so the other night i tweeked w/ sarah, but just a little. just one line. i miss it. and i wasn't planning on telling oscar because he hates tweekers and he already told me he didn't want me doing it. so i had fun with all my friends, Sarah, Fernando, Tyler, and Christy, whom i never hang out w/ anymore. and i was hyper and happy and talkative, and it was cool. i missed that a lot. then we went down town and hung out and that was fun. i was expecting oscar but it took him until the last bus to get there. so i didn't think he was gonna come. but he did. then i was really paranoid about him finding out that i had done a line. he always seems to know when i've done something. so i was really trying hard to just act natural. i'm good at lieing. really good at it. but he was being kind of pissy because he had a bad day and what not. i had missed him so much because i hadn't seen him since school started. so i thought he'd be ecstatic to see me. but he was just pissy. but when he took me home that night he was all lovey dovey again. then, i went to his house yesterday at about 7:00 pm and stayed the night. he kind of got me drunk, and when i'm drunk i can't really help but tell the truth. my stomach hurt alot and he asked what was wrong and figured out that i hadn't eaten for 2 days, i was drinking on an empty stomach, and i was coming down off tweek. he was so extremely hurt. and he was even more pissed and hurt by the fact that i hadn't told him the night that i did it and that i wasn't planning on telling him at all. then he said either i choose to tweek or i choose him. luckily,i'm not a tweeker. i'm not addicted or anything. i just really like it. but of course i chose my oscar.i love him soooo much. but, god damn me. i shouldn't have said anything. but i really want to be open w/ him, you know? so, he was pissed for a little while, but we, um, well, we... kissed and made up. heh. and i spent the night and i'm gonna go back over there in an hour. so, good bye all.
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Subject:Song Of The Day
Time:11:13 pm.
*hahaha, i bet no one will get this one, but i love this song.

Water falling down a hundred meters
Coloured by the sun
In rainbow colors
Paul is driving me around
Through fields of light
Blinded by the sun
Fight the clouds
Be an inhaler
Have no doubts

Let them take you on a voyage to another
Let them take you on a voyage to another
Let them take you on a voyage to another...

Water falling down a hundred meters
Coloured by the sun
In rainbow colors
Paul is driving me around
Through fields of light
Blinded by the sun
Fight the clouds
Be an inhaler
Have no doubts

Let them take you on a voyage to another
Let them take you on a voyage to another
Let them take you on a voyage to another...

As I was saying, stereo is full of surprises
A new stereophonic sound spectacular
A new stereophonic sound spectacular

We're able to tell, in an instant, where a particular sound is coming from
A new stereophonic sound spectacular X5
As I was saying, stereo is full of surprises
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

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